


To have a heartbeat

by eotteokeos



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, ghost! jihoon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-29 03:45:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15721323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eotteokeos/pseuds/eotteokeos
Summary: Daniel craves to live. Jihoon longs to exists.





	1. Chapter 1

Daniel rubs his forehead, taking off his shoes as he does, a sigh already on the tip of his tongue. He throws his keys on the countertop along with his bag before he trudges to the fridge, taking a can of beer despite the dizziness. He closes and opens his mouth several time, his jaw and cheek hurting, before taking a big gulp.

 

Daniel loved his friends and coworkers. Loves partying with them, sweat on their forehead as they dance the stress of being a senior away, papers forgotten for the night, _and_ free drinks. But sometimes, just sometimes, he gets tired too. 4 years of partying day in and night, he realizes that there’s so much more to silence that he’d thought. To waking up in bed with no headache and a wallet with no missing card and to papers already finished and ready to be submitted.

 

 _Man_ , he thought, _am I getting old?_

 

Walking towards the couch, he turns the television on as he places the can on the side, sleep already lulling him despite the uncomfortable clothes and position he was in.

 

_“—teen met in an accident for……middle of the rain—“_

 

He turns the volume down to a soft hum as his mind wanders back to what had happened earlier, chuckling when he remembers how Seongwu had slipped on his tipsy feet, got helped from someone, and told him the other was his type. He remembers seeing them kissing on the way out, throwing him a disgusted expression as he bids him good bye.

 

The bite of silence from his usually noisy neighbours tugs at his heart, his mind wandering to memories he didn't want to remember, to families he'd decided to forget before he sighs out loud, “Should I get myself a cat?” He mutters to himself, eyes already teetering on sleep and unconsciousness. 

 

“Or a help because your room’s dusty.” He hears someone say from afar. Letting sleep take over him, he decides to ignore whatever it was.

 

 

 

_Daniel’s feels something on his lips, warm and soft, fitting perfectly against him. Moving in a slow, rhythmic way that had him wanting for more._

_He slowly opens his eyes to a pair of big ones, eyes reflecting him and the universe._ Who, _he asks. The other chuckles at him before he guides daniel’s hand on his body, strong yet lithe against his rough hands._ Does it matter _, he asks back. Before he could say anything, he feels his lips against him for the second time, rough and skillful unlike the first one. Needy and breathless and everything that Daniel thought he wanted._

_The next thing comes natural—looking down at the person below him with his raven hair and playful smile, he interlocks their fingers_ , is this okay _, he asks, just to be sure. With his free hand, he raises his hand to cup his face, It’s—_

 

Daniel groans as his back hits the ground, the loud sound of his alarm and something close to a continuous clinking had him rolling over the edge  of the bed. He rubs the sleep off of his face and gunk out of his swollen eyes before opening it after another, groaning as the sun’s blinding rays perfectly hit him in the face. He slowly props himself up, lifting his shirt to rub at his stomach before he feels something cold on blowing on the right side of his face, “Had a nice dream?” he hears a familiar yet at the same time unfamiliar voice on his side.

 

Turning towards the source of it, his eyes slowly adjust to the image, eyes slowly widening, lips trembling, and hairs standing.

 

And then he screams.

 

 

 

 

“You didn’t have to scream _that_ badly.”

 

“What…” he stutters out, his hand on his head where he had hit himself in the face falling down—again. “how did you..” He looks at the person in front of him, nose high, eyes bright, and translucent skin--Definitely not a person. “What…” He trails, looking through the… _thing_ … in front of him and sees a blurred outline of his television.

 

“Uh…” He starts, scratching his temples awkwardly. “I’m Jihoon.” Daniel’s brow creased in confusion, and this guy—Jihoon, seemed to have noticed it too. “I mean, I don’t really know what to say but that. So…” he trails. Daniel swallows the lump forming in his throat as he slowly raises his hands up, pointing at him with a shaky finger. “Are you…” He doesn’t even dare speak of it.

 

“A ghost?” Jihoon finishes for him. Daniel watches him look at his arms down to his hand and shrugs, “Seems like I am.” He feels the hair on the back of his neck stand, a shiver going down his spine and the blood on his face slowly draining, “No,” he mutters, “I must be dreaming.” He shakes his head, cringing when a wave of pain from hangover and falling down on his forehead hits him again. “But it hurts, damn.” He peaks at Jihoon who was looking at him from a couple of meters away. “I’m afraid it’s not a dream.” He purses his lips.

 

Daniel was afraid so too.

 

 

 

 

He sneaks another glance at Jihoon who was sitting on the other side of the couch with his baggy, obnoxious yellow hoodie and his ripped jeans, flinching again when he sees the outline of his chair through his chest. “Have you always been here?” he asks, cautiously. He had been living in this apartment since he transferred for college, a cheap, almost rundown apartment with paper thin walls that saves no secrets. His friends had already been banned by the landlady because of how rowdy they would get, neighbors always complaining during a night with them.

 

Yet despite the lack of privacy, he hadn’t had a problem with anything. The walls may be thin but he had always been a heavy sleeper so a rowdy freshmen and his group of friends wasn’t a problem. There was also air conditioning, the pipes work _and_ it was cheap. During the four years he’d lived here, he hadn’t encountered anything close to a ghost or anything that made him want to leave—save for some insects that hadn’t been killed by his bug zapper.

 

“I don’t know.” He shrugs, “I woke up when you came in last night.” Daniel recalls seeing something move on the side of his living room. “Did you…” he trails, stopping himself in time. Was asking a ghost if he died recently, offensive? “did I die recently?” Jihoon tilts his head, Daniel supposes it wasn’t rude if he was the one offering to answer. “I don’t really know anything…” he sighs. "Honestly, the only thing I remember is my name and ‘kang daniel’ which is shockingly _your_ name. I don’t even remember your face.”

 

And that’s the thing that had been bothering Daniel since earlier, he had never seen him in his life—maybe a little familiar, but he’d like to think it was just one of those people he’d passed by in his everyday life. Blurred faces and never knowing their names. “But why _me?_ ” he whines. “Like I said, I—“

 

“Don’t know.” Daniel finishes, rubbing the frustration out of his face. He wasn’t going to get any information out of him and getting angry at a ghost wasn’t exactly part of his death agenda. “then why do you think you’re here?” he asks, a little louder this time. He doesn’t know if it was the frustration bubbling in his stomach or the fact that he was running late for class and he _needs_ to get ready soon because as scared as he was right now, failing wasn't an option for a broke college student like him. “If you’re here because of _me_ , then I must have done something to you, which I doubt because I don’t recall meeting anyone like you.” Daniel doesn’t recall meeting anyone with a face like him.

 

He hadn’t met a lot of ghost in his life—in fact he hadn’t met _any_ ghosts in his life but he was sure none of them was as beautiful as the man before him.

 

Jihoon purses his lips before turning to look at him, “I don’t know.” He answers, Daniel could have sworn that the intake of breath wasn’t from the fact that he could see through his translucent skin but rather because of how expressive and familiar his eyes were. “But seeing you is definitely calming.”

 

And then he remembers his dreams. The familiar eyes, his lips, and that warm gaze.

 

 

“You’ve gotten used to this faster than I expected.” Daniel turns to look at Jihoon, leaning on the table with that playful smile he’d only seen once in his dream. Shaking his head to rid of the image, he scrunches his nose up when he looks in the mirror, “Well, I’m late and even though I’m confused _and_ scared, if I don’t pass my papers I’m good as dead.” Daniel opens his closet and grabs a beanie and a cap. “For the meantime, you can stay here and think about reasons too. I’ll try and ask my friends if they know you or anything.” He throws on the cap and looks at himself in the mirror, shaking his head, “Ditch the cap and the beanie, you look better without it.” Jihoon comments.

 

Removing his cap, he ruffles his hair and looks at the mirror and agrees. “Maybe we’re childhood friends?” Jihoon offers.

 

“I grew up in the country side, moved to places when I was a kid all through out middle school. Settled back there for high school, met my friends and moved here with them.” He tells him. Technically, he grew up in the country side with his grandparents and then his parents decided that he was worthy and took him to places before they deemed he was impossible. Daniel hears Jihoon sighing, “Maybe I’m actually your guardian angel or something?”

 

Daniel looks at him, from the tip of nose to his jutted out lips and then he remembers the dream again. If he was, he doubts God would appreciate the fact that he just had an intense make out session with him in his dream. “Maybe you need me to do something for you?” he purses his lips before taking the backpack on the side of his bed, staring at the outline of his notebook through Jihoon’s jeans. Guess he wouldn’t be taking notes today.

 

“Even if I do, I don’t remember it.” Jihoon mutters, scratching his temples, his brows furrowed. “Or maybe I need to help _you_ with something?”

 

“Can you give me the answer to all my exams?”

 

“I can—“ Jihoon stops, jutting his bottom lip out “Not. Something just told me that I can’t.” Daniel decides to ignore that statement. The less he knows, the less he’d feel about moving out. “Maybe it’s something to do with your relationship with people? Broken friendship? Long lost brother? A rich dad looking for you?”

 

“I’m still friends with my old friends and I’m an only son and my parents aren't looking for me."  _fortunately._

 

“How about a lover?” Jihoon raises a brow, “A girlfriend? Or a boyfriend perhaps?”

 

Daniel deadpans and shows him his thick, unedited proposals. “Does it look like I have the time for that?” Jihoon frowns, “Why not? You’re hot.” Daniel may have blushed and maybe stuttered in his step—even if it was from something, or someone, his hands could go through in the chest—but he was late and being late was more important than someone saying he looked decent despite the bags under his eyes and his almost hollow cheeks. “I don’t have time for this.” He mutters, taking his keys on the countertop as Jihoon follows him out. “Can I come?” he asks.

 

“No, you may not.”

 

 

 

 

 

“You.” He points at Jihoon, some of the students passing by gives him the eye, a confused expression on their faces before he takes his phone out, “You better not do something crazy, okay?” Jihoon snorts at how ridiculous he looked, lock screen on display, facing the wall, _and_ talking to himself “Of course, I won’t.” He answers. Jihoon had convinced him earlier—annoyingly so—that he wanted to go with him, pulling him back by the arm when he’d almost close the door and startling him at how cold his touch felt.

 

Daniel places his phone back in his pocket, looks at Jihoon one last time before pushing the door open, his friend already waving at him for his attention. “Please tell me you did the assignment.” Jaehwan tells him, eyes expecting and notebook ready on his table. He lets Jihoon walk over to the window before settling down on his chair.

 

Rolling his eyes, he unzips his bag and takes out his work, handing it to him, “Tell me again how you’re graduating when I do all the work for both of us?” he frowns at his own words, remembering that in just a couple of weeks, he would be penniless, and probably living in the streets if he doesn’t start looking for _more_  jobs soon. He had one now but he was already skipping meals just to save money for his long overdue bills and no to mention his student loans. He supposes he could ask money from his grandparents but that would mean they would tell his parents and his parents were bad news. He'd only gotten used to _living_ a couple of years ago, he doesn't think he could go back to  _just_ existing.

 

“Graduating, huh.” Jaehwan mutters, “We’re graduating but we still have a shit ton of things to do. It’s not like knowing the difference between scores would help me become rich.”

 

Daniel silently agrees as he props his head on his hand, looks at the side where Jihoon was, his hand on the window and a smile on his face as he looks at whatever was outside. He hadn’t had a proper look at him since this morning, too scared to stare for a long time because of the circumstance and now that he was, he’s surprised at how striking his looks were.

 

Sure, his friends were good looking, Seongwu was and still is their department’s star and he’d receive a lot of confessions himself. But Jihoon, with his large doe eyes and soft features were a whole lot more. He remembers him laughing earlier, eyes crinkled to crescents, cheeks flushed, laugh contagious. When he was alive, he must have been popular, he thinks to himself as he sees Jihoon turn to him, a soft smile on his lips. “Why did he die?” he mumbles.

 

 

 

 

“I’m telling you now,” Sungwoon begins, his hair in every direction and glasses perched up on the bridge of his nose. “I fucking hate med school.” Daniel looks at him and snorts at his friend, despite his disheveled appearance and his complaints, he was on his junior year, enjoying his time at duties and work. Daniel doesn’t understand how he still had the time to hang out with them.

 

“I fucking hate theater.” Seongwu begins, clutching his head and cringing. “And I’m never drinking again.” That was a lie, Daniel heard that everyday since he’d turn legal, chugging on some stolen alcohol from his dad’s stash. Daniel and Jaehwan had a sip of it too. A large hand print on his face the next morning when his parents smelled him the next morning.

 

He cranes his neck to look back at Jihoon walking behind them and frowns when he sees him stopping in the middle of the hallway, looking at something at the side. “Wait,” he starts turning on his heel, “I think I forgot something in class.”

 

He doesn’t wait for his friends’ response—not that they would, they were too busy hating on every teacher. Jogging up to Jihoon, he takes out his phone and puts it on his ear when he nears him, “You good?” he asks. Jihoon looks at him, brows furrowed and lips in a frown. “I remember this.” He tells him. “Remember…” he starts, confused. “This?” he looks at the almost empty halls, confused.

 

“That garden,” he points at the side, Daniel squints his eyes and stares at the little garden at the corner. “It’s full of flowers in the spring.” Jihoon frowns at his own words, “There’s also a lot of cat there…” he trails. Daniel’s eyes slowly widen, “Does that mean…” Jihoon looks at him, unsure. “I probably went to this school too.” He says it in a way that had Daniel looking at him, phone long forgotten and lips shut.

 

Jihoon’s eyes were downcast and there was a sad smile on his lips and a tug on his chest that doesn’t go away until late at night.

 

 

 

 

“Jihoon,” he starts, “Have you seen my—“

 

“you threw it on the floor, you probably kicked it under the bed.” He answers, rolling his eyes at Daniel’s sheepish grin before he crouches down and takes his book, scrunching his nose when he realizes how dusty it had gotten overnight. “I didn’t think my room’s this dirty.” He mutters, Jihoon scoffs at the side. “I’ve been reminding you to clean everyday. If I hadn’t, we would be living in a dump.”

 

Daniel shrugs, “Hey, it’s not like you can smell.”

 

“Yeah, but I see every dust and every porn stash under your clothes.” He snaps.

 

Daniel doesn’t argue back.

 

Jihoon had been staying with him for close to a week now, nights spent with talking to him over beer about how tiring his work was, his friends complaining at his sudden change of schedule and mornings spent rushing between finishing his long overdue papers on time and trying to gather information on Jihoon—which was looking bleak because none of his friends were much help. They do know a Jihoon, alive and breathing, and the ace of their school’s soccer club. Definitely not who he was looking for.

 

Despite his little to no help, Jihoon remembers bits of pieces from time to time, some days they go home with a new information, other days there’s nothing. “Are you going around again?” He asks. Jihoon would usually explore the campus during his classes, always waiting for him outside of his room when the bell rings.

 

“Yup.” Jihoon answers, “Staying in the garden is refreshing compared to your lectures.”

 

Daniel couldn’t help but agree.

 

 

 

 

“Crap!” Daniel curses, looking at his watch before he looks at Jihoon and nodding. “run.” He was late. Again. And it wasn’t anything new but somehow, in his bicker with Jihoon and his morning routine of reminding him not to get caught moving things, he forgot that his class was at the opposite end of the entrance. “This is why I told you to wake up early.” Jihoon rolls his eyes. “I…” he huffs out, frowning because not only was he the one whose hair was all over the place, but he was the only one out of breath. “value sleep.”

 

“You’re so—“ Jihoon stops midsentence, Daniel noticing him stopping when he’d looked at the side and found him gone, stopping in his step and turning back as he tries to catch his breath. “I’m leaving, okay?” he tells him. Jihoon doesn’t notice him, staring at the building on his side, the sound of combined instruments almost drowning his voice.

 

Shaking his head and sighing at the lack of response, he yells, “Catch you later!” startling the few students walking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, this chapter could have ended in a better way but there is no better way lol


	2. 2

Daniel sighs as he looks at his test paper, crumpled between his hands and Jaehwan groaning at his side. “Please,” he starts, “someone remind why I chose this major.” He receives a few giggles from the side and a sigh of agreement from others. Daniel was close to throwing his paper in the closest bin. “How’d your fair?” Jaehwan asks.

 

“I’m not graduating.” Daniel confirms, showing him his paper and the big, bold C+ on the right corner. “I’m definitely not graduating.”

 

Jaehwan cringes and shoves him his paper. “At least, we’re all not graduating.” He mumbles before standing up and throwing his things in his bag, “I can’t believe he gave us two items. Two items both of which I used 5 fucking papers to solve.” Daniel snorts, “I used 6.” He throws his bag over his shoulder and waits for Jaehwan to stand up. “Come on, let’s go for lunch.”

 

Jaehwan sighs, “Oh yeah,“ he says, “Seongwu’s bringing his friend slash boyfriend around.”

 

Daniel furrows his brows, “He has a boyfriend?”

 

“The guy he locked lips with in the bar.”

 

Daniel remembers. “ _oh_.”

 

“Yeah, _oh_.” That means Seongwu was definitely not going to keep his hands to himself and that also means Daniel and Jaehwan weren’t going to be able to digest whatever food was on their plates. Damn Sungwoon and his med school he should be suffering with them too.

 

Pushing the door open, he turns to his right and frowns when he sees no signs of Jihoon, craning his neck to look past the many students headed for lunch, “where the hell is he?” he mumbles. “Where the hell is who?” Jaehwan asks from his side. Daniel looks at him, realizes he said it out loud and shakes his head. “No one.” Jaehwan turns his eyes into slits before he opts to let it go, Daniel wasn’t going to tell anyone anything if he doesn’t want to even if it meant his life. “ _Right_.” He says, incredulously.

 

Daniel follows him towards the cafeteria, all the way to the the next building, eyes scanning the area Jihoon frequently tells him about, the random bench near the library where some cats gather, the tree wedged between buildings, its branch and leaves creating a shadow from the warm sun, and the little pond where some of the students seem to love gathering.

 

Frowning when he sees no sign of raven hair and yellow hoodie, he purses his lips and sighs. “What have you been looking for since earlier?” Jaehwan finally asks again, he’d been wanting to ask Daniel that ever since he’d left the classroom, head craning and tiptoeing looking for something.

 

“It’s not—“ he stops midsentence when he notices a feint yellow near the garden grounds, “Wait, you go ahead.” He taps Jaehwan on the shoulder before leaving him in the hallway calling for his name, “Daniel—wait—God, damn it!” He knew he would get a scolding later on but Jaehwan would forgive him anyway, he always does.

 

Jogging up to the garden, he slows down when he nears, scanning the area before he takes out his phone, walking towards Jihoon before the latter turns to look at him, a small smile on his lips. “at least turn your phone off so no one sees your lockscreen.” He says, the usual bite missing.

 

He crouches down to his level and looks at the flowers in front of them, red, yellow, pink, so much flower despite the little area they were given to. Truthfully, Daniel has never seen this garden for almost his entire college year. He may have taken a glimpse at it, his tongue inside someone’s mouth, bodies pressed together before realizing it was a bad idea and leaving it as that.

 

“Pretty, right?” Jihoon starts, fingers flicking over one petal and passing through it. Daniel looks at him and waits for him to tell him what’s wrong. He had seen this expression on his face one too many times, eyes downcast, lips jutted out and brows furrowed together. It was those times when Jihoon would remember something about himself.

 

“I think I’m an art major.” He starts, head leaning on his knees. “When we passed by the building earlier, I remember running late for something.” He shakes his head, forcing a chuckle. “Funny how I keep telling you you’re late but I’m not much different from you, huh.” Daniel doesn’t think it’s funny. He doesn’t think the quiver of his lips and the tremble in his voice is funny. “I remember hearing instruments played, the loud drums on the first floor, someone’s voice yelling over a group of students on the third and finally, the sound of feet against the floor on the third.”

 

The third floor was exclusively for Dance majors. “You used to dance?” Daniel asks.

 

Jihoon bites his lips, unsure. “Probably.” Daniel doesn’t know how to respond. All his life, his world was limited to numbers, his parents were professors in mathematics, both successful on their own and forcing their son to live the same life as he was and finally giving up when they’d deem him impossible. He remembers being eight, a math prodigy, teachers at his mercy and his parents proud and smiling until the problems started getting harder and the weight of reality sinking in. Why couldn’t his parents give him attention just like other kids? Why couldn’t he go outside and had to stare at his books instead?

 

The first sign of sympathy he’d receive was from his teachers when he’d fallen sick during an important exam, teachers whispering in soft voices waiting for him to wake up, fever skyrocketing, and parents busy at work thinking their child was on his way to being the top of the class again. Come middle school, they’d given up, done with his rebellious acts, he’d been transferred from his parents to his grandparents and he couldn’t have been more happy to go and travel with them despite the dozens of schools he’d enrolled to and never came back.

 

In the end he settles for sitting on the ground, to hell with his white trousers, removes his backpack and finds a comfortable position, turning his speakers on and blasting on his favorite song with Jihoon looking at him the whole time. “What are you doing?” he asks.

 

Daniel shrugs, because he doesn’t know what he’s doing too. “recommending you some good songs?”

 

Jihoon blinks before he starts laughing. “You’re an idiot.” Daniel smiles at him because despite the odd stares from other students, at least Jihoon was in tears because of laughing too much.

 

 

 

 

Daniel looks at himself in the mirror, his usually dark bags feint than what he had ever seen over the last 4 years, cheeks gaining a little bit of flesh and his muscles taut around the chest and arms. _Guess, there’s perks with my work_ , he thought to himself. Daniel had been in his current job since he first moved here, recommended by one of Jaehwan’s friend, the owner was nice enough to let him off the hook for the few broken plates on his first week and a couple of dent boxes.

 

Working in a restaurant had its perks. Other than the free food he usually rejected because he was shy—He accepted it once and the smile on the old man’s face was enough to know he would do it again—he also had no problems with the pay. He only had a problem for that before because his money was spent on booze and bars. Now, staying in was a luxury.

 

Turning the faucet off, he turns the knob and pushes the door open, eyes trailing from the different colored laces, to ripped denim jeans, to yellow hoodie, and to wide, startled eyes. “What—“ Jihoon begins, looks at his face before it travels down to the towel loosely wrapped around his nether region. Probably realizing what he was doing, his attention snaps back to Daniel’s eyes. “Why the hell are you naked?!”

 

He raises an eyebrow at him and points back at the bathroom with his thumb, “because I took a bath?” he says, amusement laced in his voice. It wasn’t like Jihoon hadn’t seen him naked, they’ve been living for close to two weeks now, Jihoon forcing him to take a bath in the morning, often yelling at him to remove his clothes and tossing it on the laundry bin.

 

“Wha—“ Jihoon stutters out, brows furrowed. “That—I mean,” he turns around, “Just go and get dressed! You have a lot of papers to do!” Daniel sees him fan his face as he sits on the couch, looking at anywhere but Daniel before he deems the teasing enough and turns to his bedroom, chuckling. “Why the hell does he have to look like that.” He hears Jihoon mutter.

 

 

 

“Why haven’t you been out with us lately?” Seongwu points at him with his spoon, a scowl on his face and a grain of rice stuck on the corner of lips. Jaehwan and Sungwoon nods in agreement. “That’s because I have better things to do.” Daniel rolls his eyes, “I’m graduating, remember?”

 

Seongwu snorts, “I am, too.” Jaehwan points at himself too.

 

“I barely have a break but you don’t see me saying no to a night out.” Sungwoon frowns, “What’s _really_ been up with you lately?” he raises a brow at him, a smirk already forming on their lips as they move their faces closer, “Do you have a girlfriend?” Jaehwan giggles, “Or a boyfriend?” Sungwoon wiggles his brows.

 

Daniel tries hard not to throw his food at their grin. “I do not.” He answers, pushing their faces with his hands, “I _told_ you, I’m busy with papers.” He really was busy with papers, although not everyday like they’d imagine. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to hang out with his friends but the busy lights and the booming sounds weren’t exactly appealing when someone’s waiting to nag at him at home, a scowl on his face as he continues to tell Daniel he smelled like shit—he went out once and and had to endure Jihoon screaming at 3am to wash up. “And so should you.”

 

Seongwu rolls his eyes, goes back to shoving a spoonful of rice in his mouth before he starts talking again. “Well,” he says, “As long as you look happy.” Daniel raises an eyebrow at his statement, “Happy? I’m always happy.” Happier ever since he’d move here. Sungwoon sighs, “What he meant is, you look like you’re finally having fun.” Daniel frowns further, confused. “You always look like someone abandoned you when you’re alo—ow!” he yelps, looks at Jaehwan before clearing his throat, “I mean, _you know_ , just finally happy.” he mutters before turning back to his food.

 

Daniel doesn’t know but he kind of had a gist of what his friends meant.

 

When he decided to move here with his friends, he knew that he was already going against his parents’ wish to stay with them but he still decided to do it, sparing them a little for not choosing another major that was completely different from what they wanted—and maybe that was where he made a mistake. Despite being free from their shackles, the battle scars remained. It remained in a way that he couldn’t open up to people, remained in a way that he chose the same major as his parents, remained in a way that he was unemphatic like they were. Maybe that was why his exes left him, his words were empty just like he was—never taught how to express love in such an early age, he didn’t know where to begin now.

 

But lately...

 

Lately, he feels a little alive.

 

A little free.

 

It wasn’t like he didn’t enjoy his time with his friends because he did, he treasured every moment with them despite his lack of affectionate words and they knew that. It was just that there was something lacking in his life that he couldn’t put a finger to and _finally_ now, he’s starting to feel it get smaller, like the hole in his chest is finally shrinking from the constant stress he’d put with it.

 

Maybe it was because of the frequent calls he had with his grandparents—Jihoon had told him million of times that he should call them at least once a day, it finally settled to three times a week. Or maybe because he was finally starting to value numbers, admitting to himself that choosing his major was not for his parents but because he truly _did_ love numbers, how there is always an answer to a problem—the excitement from his childhood had suddenly ignited again. It was a good thing Jihoon knows math despite losing his memory, at least he had someone to talk to at home.

 

He smiles to himself, noticing a feint yellow coming their way, Jihoon grinning from him a couple of meters away and Jaehwan groaning in the background as Seongwu’s boyfriend slash friend woops in for a kiss on the cheek. Jihoon raises an eyebrow at him and he grins back at him too.

 

He supposes Jihoon really wasn’t bad company after all.

 

 

 

 

“So,” Jihoon beams, sits on the couch on the opposite end and stretches his leg. “Today, I found out that not only am I great at dancing, I also liked the cafeteria food.” Daniel scrunches his face at the last part, shooing Jihoon’s feet away even though he could actually just put his feet up and it would go through. “Yesterday…” he trails, “What was it again?”

 

Jihoon rolls his eyes before he seats properly, back leaning on the couch frame, a couple of inches away from Daniel. “Yesterday, I found out I have friends.” He says excitedly. “I mean, I _know_ I have friends, I just didn’t think I had a lot.” Daniel hums, clicking the play button. “Do you remember their names? Maybe they want to tell you something.”

 

Jihoon shakes his head, “Nah, their faces were blurred and whenever I try to remember what they said or what they look, my head would start aching.” He sighs. Daniel looks at him and frowns, “Don’t force it too much. You’ll eventually remember it anyway, besides, you remember something everyday, you don’t have to rush.”

 

He nods at him, the corners of his lips curling up before his attention transfers on the screen. “I’m glad I have friends.” Daniel nods absentmindedly, the movie already starting. “I’m also glad I met you.” He decides to ignore the tug in his heart as well.

 

 

 

 

“Get this,” Jihoon wheezes out, his laugh already making it hard for Daniel to understand him, “I turn the corner and I see someone getting kicked by the balls.” Daniel cringes in pain but laughs along. “It was the same couple who I saw making out yesterday!” Ah, _that_ couple. The couple who were kissing by the janitor’s closet, the couple who left the door open and Jihoon’s curiousity got the best of him, turning the lights off and making them srcream—he found out he could do it by accident when Daniel was in the bathroom and he decided to prank him. Safe to say, he had screamed so loud that night the landlady asked him the next morning if something bad happened.

 

“You need to stop snooping around couples like that.” He chuckles, takes a bite on the chicken wing that had Jihoon scowling. He also remembered that he loved chicken.

 

Jihoon shrugs, “It’s not my fault, they shouldn’t be doing that in the first place.” Daniel agrees.

 

He stretches his limbs on the floor and chuckles when Jihoon does the same, back leaning on the couch and head on the frame, already used to his feet going through the table in front of them. “Do you think I have somebody like that too?” he asks, Daniel turns to look at him and raises an eyebrow. “Like what?” Jihoon looks back at him. “Somebody I’m going out with? Somebody waiting?”

 

Daniel looks at him by the eye, not breaking contact, his hands unconsciously raising to attempt and remove the hair covering his face and chuckles a little when it goes past him, Jihoon scrunching his nose. “I’m sure there is.” He finally answers, “Because I definitely am.”

 

Daniel waits for him everyday at lunch, Daniel waits for him after school, and Daniel waits for him to sit on the couch before pressing the movie play.

 

There was definitely someone waiting for Jihoon.

 

And he was one of them.

 

 

 

“No, that’s— _Ah._ ” Jihoon sighs beside him, cold air slightly hitting his cheeks as he continues to steer his concoction. A washed out red kimchi soup he’d attempted to make with nothing but Jihoon’s instruction—because the boy keeps telling him he knows and he truly doubts that’s the case. “This is all on _you_.” Daniel grumbles, “You don’t even remember your age, how are you so sure how to make kimchi?” he rolls his eyes.

 

Jihoon scowls at him before pursing his lips, “I just _know_ it in my gut that you put too much water in it, okay?”

 

Daniel rolls his eyes. “Whatever,” He turns the stove off and looks at Jihoon. “The pot holder is near the sink.” He says, Daniel grins. “Having you around is so convenient.” Jihoon snorts, “If you’d only clean your place, you wouldn’t be struggling like this.” Daniel doesn’t miss the teasing smile on Jihoon’s lips despite his words.

 

Two weeks had gone by in a flash and Daniel had already gotten used to waking up to Jihoon’s voice yelling over how late he was, and sleeping with Jihoon’s complaints of when he would remember how old he was just so Daniel could stop telling him he was a kid. Over the course of two weeks, Jihoon had managed to find out that he was a dance major, he liked the garden, and the cats would hiss at him whenever he’d pass by, one of the three swaying its white tail back and forth whenever he was there. Daniel recalls his grandmother telling him animals can see things most humans can’t and he may have shuddered a little.

 

“What’d you manage to find out today?” Daniel asks, taking a spoonful of rice as Jihoon sits in front of him, head propped on his hands as he looks at anywhere else but Daniel, eyebrows furrowed and lips in a scowl. He knew how frustrated Jihoon was these days, the memories have stopped coming frequently, often getting small fragments—like remembering he loved the colour pink or 3 days of nothing and as always, Daniel doesn’t know how to comfort him, mouth shut and attention on Jihoon’s every move. He tries not to think about the small quiver of his lips whenever the day ends and he heads to his room leaving Jihoon to himself in the couch, back hunched and looking at the window.

 

“Nothing for today too.” Yesterday as well, Jihoon went home with jutted lips and a disappointed face. “well,” Daniel starts, Seongwu was right. He doesn’t know what empathy means. “Don’t rush it.” He places his spoon down after cringing at the tase and looks at Jihoon nodding at his words, sighing his frustration away. “I just…” he trails, shaking his head. “What?” Daniel asks.

 

“Nothing.” He waves his hand dismissively. Daniel’s frown deepens, moves the too watery soup away and scans Jihoon’s face, looks for the sign that Jaehwan keeps telling him—the sign where they needed comfort—even if Daniel did not know what comfort was.

 

“No, what is it?” he asks, Jihoon sighing at his insistence. “it’s just… I just want to know _why_.” He starts, voice getting louder at each word uttered, “Why am I here? Why can’t I remember anything? Why am i…” he trails, looking away from Daniel’s boring eyes. “Why did I die?” Daniel bites his bottom lips, hands unconsciously raising because there were tears pooling in Jihoon’s eyes and he didn’t know ghosts were capable of crying but he doesn’t want Jihoon to cry. Even if he looked beautiful crying. “Don’t cry.”

 

“I’m not.” Jihoon rolls his eyes before it trails to Daniel’s hands hovering above his hand, “Please, don't cry.” He repeats, "Because i can't wipe them for you." eyebrows furrowed and heart hurting, he bites his lips to prevent himself from groaning when his hand goes past Jihoon's form once again. “I’m not crying, Daniel.” Jihoon rolls his eyes, the lack of bite at his usually sassy tone was gone and Daniel knew he wasn’t fine. “I just… I’m just really frustrated, that’s all.”

 

 

 

 

“I think the dance department aren’t participating for this year’s annual event.” Sungwoon announces, Daniel would have ignored it because he had an exam after lunch and he hadn’t opened his textbook since a week ago but Dance was Jihoon's Major. “Why not?” he asks, although it may have been a different year for Jihoon, probably years beforehand, he was still curious. “Beats me.” He answers.

 

“Oh, wait.” Minhyun, Seongwu’s boyfriend slash friend who’s been promoted to a boyfriend, starts, “I think it’s because one of the student kind of got into this huge accident.” Daniel’s forehead creases, book already forgotten, “Accident? How?” he asks, hoping Jaehwan was enough distraction fo Seongwu before he showers his boyfriend with kisses yet again.

 

“I think it was last week or the week before that?” he answers, unsure. “There was a student who was on his way home, it was raining and I think he didn’t notice the stoplight, honestly I’m not sure about the details.” The crease on Daniel’s brows deepen, “Do you know their name?” he asks before getting interrupted by Jaehwan’s nudge.

 

“Why are you so interested?” Jaehwan asks, brows raised and the corner of his lips upturned, amused. “Is there someone you’re looking forward to at the dance department?” He wiggles his brows at him and Daniel gives him the favor of pushing his face away with his hand, smiling when he hears him groan. “That’s not it.” He rolls his eyes before turning his attention back at Minhyun, “So?” he asks again, “Do you know their name?” he tries not to show his nervousness as he waits for Minhyun’s answer, tapping on the table with his quivering his hands, before he feels the blood drain from his face and his ears ringing when he utters two words.

 

“Park Jihoon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Making it a two shot is too long, why not three lol


	3. 3

Daniel tosses his backpack on the floor, head hurting and limbs failing him as he crashes onto the couch, Jihoon’s voice yelling at him from a couple of meters away. “I told you not to throw your bag near the entrance.” He scolds him, feeling him walking towards him as he covers his face with his hand, his mind preoccupied with what he had heard earlier. “Daniel?” Jihoon asks, a lot closer than he thought he was. Turning to look at him, he sees Jihoon’s brows creased in concern, tilting his head to look at him, “Are you okay?” he asks.

 

He wasn’t.

 

He wasn’t okay because Jihoon, with all his awkward self and clumsy limbs—sometimes he’s thankful he can go through things—was here. He wasn’t okay because two weeks ago, he was alive and breathing and everything human, warm, and fragile. Yet here he was, faded and all things unnatural.

 

Jihoon was part of the Dance team, a snarky first year who had a lot of friends and a big dream to stand on stage. He was confident in all things, just like he was now, bold and graceful in the way he dances and despite his lack of enthusiasm in social gatherings—Daniel kind of figured. Jihoon disliked noise—he was surrounded by a lot of people who admire his outspoken nature.

 

His parents were known to be loved by students and teachers alike, supportive of their child since the first day, they have always been present whenever there was an event held by the school and unlike most students his age, Jihoon, with everything that he is—proud and beautiful, he boasts about his parents’ lovely little ramen shop at the corner of the school, often taking his friends and some teachers he was close with to eat with them. And yet with all that fortune in his life, with all those people who loved him…

 

Here he was, lips jutted out, looking at Daniel, “Are you okay?” he asks again, Daniel tries to ignore the feint outline of the television through him “Why do you look like you’re about to cry?”

 

Because he was.

 

“Jihoon,” Daniel starts, unconsciously lifting his hand up to brush the few strands of hair covering his eyes, “I—“ he stops when he hears his phone ringing. Sighing as he pushes himself up, Jihoon observes him all throughout. He takes his phone from his side pocket and scowls when he sees who it was, clicking the call on, he sighs. “Yes?” It was his mother.

 

“No—I don’t care— _You_ threw _me_ away— _No_ —Good bye.” He yells through the phone, a scowl on his face as he tosses it in front of him, the loud sound of it hitting the wall resonating in the four corners of his apartment. Sighing, he ruffles his hair, feeling a headache coming when he feels something cold on his hand.

 

Looking at whatever it was, he follows the feint hands towards the owner of it, eyes showing concern and lips in a frown. “Want to talk about it?” He asks.

 

Maybe it was the frustration that had resurfaced from the talk—something he hadn’t done in the last 2 years. Or maybe it was just the way Jihoon looked at him, sincerity and bare and truly curious if he was okay that made him feel like he wanted to talk about. Wanted to _finally_ talk about whatever was eating him for the past four years—his family, his parents, and himself. And so, Daniel tells him how unfair it was that his parents only loved him when he was useful, threw him off to his grandparents when he wasn’t. Tells him how hard it was to adjust from school to school, tells him how he was tired of pretending like everything was okay, tells him everything he has never told anyone.

 

When he finally calms down, his eyes are swollen and Jihoon’s hand is on both sides of his cheeks, cold and warm at the same time. “Daniel,” he begins, “I know it’s hard to forgive him—let me finish” he gives him a glare, “But your Dad is sick and even though you try to deny it, he’s your family and I know you’re worried about him.” Daniel remains mum.

 

“You don’t have to forgive him,” he tells him, drawing circles on his damp cheeks. “You can just go back maybe a day or two, hear them out.” Daniel bites his lips, protest ready. “Don’t regret things like I did.”

 

Daniel bites the inside of cheeks and doesn’t tell him that he was already starting to regret things now as he starts telling him what he knows.

 

 

 

 

“You didn’t tell me you were rich.” Jihoon says, eyes scanning the house, mouth open. “I can’t believe you made me stay in that rundown apartment.” Daniel snorts before he rolls his shoulders, pressing on the doorbell as if he didn’t already have a duplicate key hiding in his pocket. “My parents are rich. I’m just a broke college student.” He waves his hand dismissively and before Jihoon could respond, the door opens revealing a much older woman who looked like Daniel in some angles.

 

“I came just like you asked.” Daniel announces, ignoring Jihoon’s disapproving glare.

 

His mother nods before fully opening the door, awkward. Daniel didn’t blame her; he was awkward too. He hadn’t planned on going home for the most part of his active life, already set on trying to be rid of his ties with them but then here he was, looking at her awkwardly glancing his way probably debating on whether to hug him. “I still have a room here, right?” he breaks the silence.

 

“Huh?” his mother asks, “I mean, yeah. We didn’t touch anything.”

 

Daniel nods, “Guess I’ll see you at dinner.” His mother nods, “Your dad will be back a little later, he’s still in the hospital.”

 

Pushing the door open, he smiles when everything he’d left was still in its proper order, the sad, broken vinly player on the corner of his room, the dozen of books on the shelves along with the trophies he’d won, and the small pictures hanging on the wall, one with his parents and the rest with his friends. “Wow,” Jihoon beams, “Your room is ten times cleaner than your apartment.” He turns to him, Daniel agrees. “They must have asked it to be cleaned.”

 

“Nah,” Jihoon shakes his head, “If they only asked this to be cleaned yesterday, it wouldn’t be this spotless. They must be cleaning this room every week.” He comments as he looks through the isle of books wedged between the corners. “They must have been waiting for you to visit them.”

 

He sits in the corner of the bed, scanning his room. _Nothing changed_ , he thought before his eyes lands on Jihoon, the latter crouching at the corner as he looks at the numerous figurine uniformly placed at the bottom of the shelf—something his grandparents had given him every year for Christmas. “Like it?” he asks as he sits next to him, hands landing on Jihoon’s and going through them. He doesn’t remove it, feeling coldness over his warm ones.

 

“I didn’t think you’d have something fun in your room.” Jihoon scrunches his nose, neither of them moving away from each other. “Hey,” he scowls playfully, “Books  _are_ fun, maybe if you start reading, you wouldn't fail math.” Jihoon rolls his eyes at him. Jihoon remembers failing math, a capital, bold F on the corner.

 

He regrets telling it to Daniel.

 

 

 

 

 

“I can’t believe the first thing you do is to leave your house.” Jihoon sighs for the nth time since he’d left, telling his mother that he would be back by dinner time which was a couple of hours away and that he would stroll around for a bit, missing the place he’d only remember once in a while.

 

“Well, it’s not like we have anything to do.” He shrugs, thankful that there weren’t much people around, he didn’t really think talking alone in public and getting caught by one of their nosey neighbors was a great way of greeting his dad and he wasn’t really about to take out his phone specially when his screen was onto its last hopes, having shattered when he threw it away—a dumb move, really. “Besides, I haven’t been here since high school.” He mutters.

 

“High school?” Jihoon asks, “Didn’t you live with your grandparents?” He nods, “Yup, but I visited them once when I was in second year.” He remembers his grandparents forcing him to visit his parents on his birthday, a snowy Christmas eve, families outside and partying yet he was walking around their neighbor, bread in one hand and coffee in the other. Daniel remembers the way his heart would jump in expectation whenever he hears the car horn in the driveway only to sigh in disappointment.

 

Shaking his head at the memory, he looks at Jihoon who had gotten quiet, “What’s up?” He looks at the place where Jihoon’s attention was before pointing it, “that could have been my high school.” It could have, if only he didn’t rebel against his parents and hated the one thing they love the most. “Now that I think about it, their uniforms were really pretty.”

 

Jihoon doesn’t say anything.

 

 

 

 

The trip home was silent, save for the random comment Daniel and Jihoon made about the scenery and how peaceful the neighborhood was, both busy with their own thoughts. Daniel glances at Jihoon from time to time, hands balled into a fist as he recalls something from before, dread in his stomach both from the ticking clock and the realization.

 

Heading back, he looks at the car parked in front of their house, Jihoon look at him before nodding at the entrance. “Your dad’s here?” he asks, Daniel bites his lips in nervousness. He feels something cold on his arms, looking up at Jihoon’s feint figure, “You can do this.” He tells him and although Daniel felts conflicted in all areas, his mind in a haze of what if and why, Jihoon’s words comforted him.

 

“I’ll be waiting for you in your room.” He gives him a smile, “Talk to your parents, okay? Tell them what you feel.”

 

Daniel forces a smile.

 

 

 

 

Dinner was everything Daniel had never imagined.

 

As he climbs the stair to his room, his mind wonders back to how his father’s usually stoic face had aged over the years, wrinkles dancing on the corners of his eyes—both his parents eyes, a stutter in their steps as they lift the heavy plate, and the usual bite of their domineering voice gone and replaed by something he wasn’t familiar with.

 

What shocked him the most wasn’t that they were eating a meal as a family.

 

What shocked him was the hug he’d receive from his father the moment he entered the living room, ready to be scolded like before. The way his mother holds him gently by the arm as she guides him towards the dinning room like he wasn’t familiar with the place—he was starting to wonder if he was dreaming this again, something he had from time to time. His dad had asked him how was school and his friends, _Jaehwan, was it? The loud one?_ He asked. Daniel tells him everything was fine and everyone was okay. And despite them acting like everything was okay, he doesn’t feel the guilt after his dad flinched when he told them not to worry about him like usual.

 

He does, however, pinched himself in the thighs to stop the tears forming in his eyes when his mom patted him by the head, his dad hugging him again and telling him he'd grown up. He knew they were trying to say sorry in their own ways, no words and more action, but he wasn’t ready yet. He was too immature to accept their apology when they hurt him in the way that he couldn’t express his feelings. And hurt him in the way that he flinches whenever their skin touches, cringing in an unpleasant way.

 

Ruffling his hair, he looks at the door to his room before swallowing the forming the lump in his throat. “Act normal.” He mutters to himself. Acting was part of his everyday life for the past years yet now… Now, he doesn’t even know where to begin. Should he place his hands inside his pocket? Should he act like everything was fine and dandy? He doesn’t know.

 

Pushing the door open, he scans the dark room and frowns when he sees Jihoon sitting by the window, eyes unfocused as he stares at whatever was outside and it takes everything of Daniel not to trudge up to him and tell him he looked beautiful; ethereal. The way his eyelashes flutter even in its translucent state was something he could never get used to.

 

“Back already?” Jihoon asks, turning to look at him, a soft smile on his lips.

 

Closing the door, he nods before walking towards the bed, plopping on the bed with a nice sound, he clutches the sheets, anxiety bubbling in his stomach. “Had a good talk?” Jihoon asks again.

 

Daniel nods.

 

The silence that follows doesn’t stop his heart from thumping against his ribcage because in all the days Jihoon has been with him, he looked the faintest today. The outline more visible, the yellow more toned down, and his skin more transparent. Daniel noticed it first when he told Jihoon what Minhyun told him the other day. When Jihoon had gotten more fragments of his memories. When he looked at that corner they passed by earlier.

 

“I remembered something today.” Jihoon tells him. Daniel hums, scrunching his eyes shut, head pounding along with his heart. “You’re not asking what?” Daniel forces himself to stay mum, to act like he was sleeping. Because maybe then everything would go back to three days ago, when he doesn’t know his name, when Jihoon doesn’t look like he remembers everything,

 

and when Jihoon isn’t fading.

 

 

 

 

“I’ll come back next month.” Daniel tells his parents, trying to force himself to smile because even if they did apologize—no matter how wordless it was—it was awkward. All those years of trying to forget he had parents, all those nights spending money on booze asking why--it wouldn’t change overnight. But he will. Not because his grandparents are worried for him, or because he heard his dad coughing from the corridors down, or because his mother made him breakfast even though she can’t cook to save a life, but because he truly did believe they deserve a chance.

 

“I promise.” He gives them one last hug, not expecting his mother to take the first step and his father joining in. “Maybe dad and mom can come too.” His father mutters, this time he does smile. “Okay, okay.” He pats their back, "the train will be arriving soon and you know I can’t miss that.” He tells him, his mother nodding before sighing. “Are you sure you’ll take the trains instead? We can just ask—“

 

“I’m sure, mom.” He smiles, “And, it would be faster that way.” Besides, he couldn’t act like he was on his phone the whole time specially when time was against him.

 

 

 

Daniel looks up at the sky, blue and cloudless. The sun was up and shinning yet the autumn breeze was refreshing against his skin. Hauling his backpack up his shoulders, he looks at Jihoon who was looking at him the whole time, a proud smile on his face. “What?” he asks.

 

Jihoon shrugs, following him as he walks. “Nothing, just thought you’d be too bratty to make up with your parents.” Daniel rolls his eyes at him, taking his time to walk so Jihoon could catch up despite his earlier rush. “I said I didn’t want to, I didn’t say I can’t.” He chuckles, attention both on the scenery before them, houses in different shapes and sizes, trees surrounding them. “Damn,” Jihoon chuckles before exhaling deeply, “What would you do without me? You can’t even find your books without me.” He teases.

 

Daniel looks at him, stops in his step and catches Jihoon’s attention. “Then I guess you have to stay with me, right?” he answers and despite Jihoon’s eyes widening and him biting his lips, he doesn’t nod for confirmation and continues to walk instead.

 

Turning the next corner, Daniel sees the high school they’d passed by yesterday, students walking pass them as they go on their way home, bags clutched tightly and talking with friends. “You asked me before if I ever had a crush right?” he begins, Jihoon raises an eyebrow at him, confused before remembering their conversation many nights ago when he’d ask Daniel if he ever dated someone. Daniel said he did, but it didn’t last long and he wasn’t planning on getting one anytime soon.

 

He also remembers him asking about his crush. Daniel told him he once had a crush in high school, the only crush he had that lasted all throughout highschool. “Yeah?” he tilts his head, unsure.

 

“My crush wasn’t actually from the same school.” He tells him, “I went home during Christmas, right?” He looks at him sideways, trying to gauge at Jihoon’s reaction. “On the way home from walking alone all afternoon, I turned to the next corner” he tilts his head to the corner a couple of meters ahead. Daniel sees Jihoon biting his bottom lips. “Slipped on ice and ready to give up on life when someone helped me.” He chuckles, remembering how embarrassing it was that no one dared to help a crying, blonde teen who had too many piercings and pants too ripped.

 

Yet a few seconds after the initial stupidity and ready to push himself up, he feels a light kick on his shin, someone half a head smaller than he was wearing the uniform of what could have been his school.

 

“That was you right?” He turns to look at Jihoon, eyes burning from the inevitable end or the coldness, he doesn’t know. “You had a black scarf around your neck.” He remembers the latter drowning in his too big scarf, his nose red as he looks down at Daniel’s pathetic appearance. Daniel remembers him asking if he was okay and answering that no, he wasn’t. he also remembers crying his heart out a couple meters away, back patted by Jihoon, the latter telling him math equations—because Daniel was famous in the area, his face plastered as a child prodigy—as he spills his heart out.

 

“Jihoon,” Daniel begins, “There’s something I need to tell you.” Because Daniel’s been too selfish long enough.

 

Before Daniel could open his mouth, Jihoon beats him to it. “Later.” He starts, almost inaudible, “Later, Daniel.”

 

 

 

 

The trip to the station was silent, both wanting to say something, both not knowing how to begin.

 

Sitting at the deserted subway car, because most people chose the front, Daniel lets his mind wander for hours. If only he wasn’t selfish, maybe the silence wouldn’t hurt them both. If only he went to the the dance department and asked if they knew Jihoon earlier, maybe parting could have been easier.

 

If only he didn’t want Jihoon to leave him, maybe everything could have been easier for the both of them.

 

“Daniel,” Jihoon begins, breaking the silence. There was something in his tone that had Daniel gripping the edge of his seat, the city passing by them as the bullet train goes past it, the sunset casting an orange tint on the deserted subway car. “Hm?” he hums, the lump forming in his throat rendering him speechless. “It was raining that night.” He starts, Daniel wants to tell him to look at his way, to tell him the dread he was feeling was nothing, to laugh with his crescent eyes.

 

“I found out that I was going to be part of the final dance lineup. You know, the yearly program we have.” Daniel does know, the event lasted for a week, their school’s arts department coloring the halls with their works, Seongwu complaining about his workload, and the sounds of instruments all around campus, even the deepest corners of the library he used to hide to, are blessed with wonderful rhythms.

 

“I was so happy that day, I felt like I could do everything because not only am I in my dream school, I was also part of the team that I used to just watch... _I_ was doing it too and I don’t know, it must have been something I’ve eaten that day but…” he trails, finally meeting Daniel’s eyes, eyes red from trying to hold his tears, and lips quivering ever so slightly. Daniel doesn’t look away and takes it all in, takes in how beautiful Jihoon looked, his dark hair almost light brown against the orange sunset and his eyes tugging at his heart.

 

It was in that moment, when Jihoon’s hand brushed against his skin, cold against his warm ones, he finally accepts it.

 

Finally accepts that he was in love.

 

In love with Jihoon and the beauty that he brought into his life, how he managed to break down all the barriers he’d put around his heart in just a matter of weeks, how he’d manage to make him accept himself more, to forgive the people he thought he never once would talk to again, and how he taught him how to love his flaws.

 

He was in love with the way Jihoon laughed in crescents, in love with they way he teases Daniel’s forgetfulness.

 

And in love with the way he just was. Kind, bratty, cunning, and loveable.

 

In love with someone a lifetime too late.

 

“I felt like I could conquer the world.” Jihoon forces a smile, “Felt like I could confess.” He mutters, almost inaudible. “Don’t.” Daniel croaks, surprised that he managed to say something. Jihoon casts a glance at him once more, biting his lips before opting otherwise. “Daniel, I—“

 

“Please, don’t.” Daniel repeats himself, knowing full well Jihoon heard the crack in his voice, knowing full well he was crying, tears soaking his cheeks, and eyes lingering on the too visible outline through Jihoon’s face. “Don’t do this.” Jihoon smiles at him, lifts his hand up near his face before Daniel feels it—coldness, just like the first time he accidentally touched his hand, just like second and the third time he’s tried to hold onto him.

 

“Don’t cry.” He could feel something cold attempting to wipe the tears spilling out of his eyes, his stop a couple more stations away. He could have talked with Jihoon more if he wasn't so stupid and scared but he was. And now the station was near and the end was too. “Because i can’t wipe them for you.” Daniel could almost chuckle at his words, something he told Jihoon many nights ago… But he couldn’t because it was the same for him too. Even if he wanted to envelop him in a hug, to wipe away the tears and sadness in his face, he couldn’t.

 

“Aren’t you happy here?” He asks, almost inaudible. Wasn’t he happy? With him? Sure, their circumstances were odd but he was happy. Happy that he gets to go home with someone smiling at him, happy that he gets to talk with someone and listen about their day, happy that he was just there. With him.

 

“I am,” Jihoon answers, “I truly am.” he shakes his head, Daniel tries to ignore how much more he’d become more feint. Was this God’s way of saying he was bound for regrets his whole life? A punishment for being too selfish? A trick solely for Daniel because when he’d finally decided to give his heart to someone, to know what it feels to have a heartbeat, he was going to take it from him because he didn’t deserve it. _To hell with God’s plan._

 

“Daniel I…” Jihoon starts again, bites his lips before raising his head to look at Daniel in the eye. Broken just like he was. “Daniel, I truly am thankful that I met you.” Daniel feels cold air on his hands, “When I was alive and even now.” Daniel wants to say that too. Thankful that he was here, thankful that he met him even in this form, thankful that he met him.

 

There were so many things Daniel wanted to say to him yet here he was, tongue tied, snot running down his nose, cheeks wet from tears with all the feelings and thoughts he couldn’t express. Why was he so bad at this? Here was Jihoon, barring him his feelings and yet all he could do was cry.

 

“Jihoon—“ He stop when he sees Jihoon shake his head. “Don’t.” he starts, “I won’t be able to go.” _Then don’t_ , he thought, _don’t go. Don’t leave me._

 

“Daniel,” he places his hand back on Daniel’s face, his station just 3 stops more and he wanted nothing more for it to never come because he _knows_. “That night I was planning on confessing to you. I was actually waiting for you outside your department” he chuckles, it was unfair. Jihoon looked beautiful even in this state, “Seongwu, I think? He told me you were still finishing something up.” He looks down, “I shouldn’t have waited…” he trails.

 

Daniel curses when he tries to hold on to Jihoon’s hand and comes up with nothing but air, “She kissed me.” Daniel remembers it so vividly—his mood already dampened by the weather, topping it off with the workload he was going to have to finish that week, he was tired. Someone approached him, he forgot her name, confessed and kissed him forcefully by lips. Too stunned to do anything, he stares at her blurring figure as she runs away from forcing herself on him. He had a drink that night.

 

Jihoon nods, “I know.” He bites his lips and looks at Daniel again, “But I got jealous for nothing and stupid me thought running away in the rain was the answer.”

 

“Jihoon—“

 

“I love you.” Jihoon confesses. “I’ve loved you ever since you cried your heart off. I’ve loved you the moment I saw you crying on the pavement and I love you now.” Daniel’s heart hurts with every single word, a stab in his chest repeatedly as Jihoon forces a smile through his tears stained cheeks because he loved him when he was in high school, often going back to his parents' house even though he knew it does him no good just to search for him. His friends told him to give up come college, he hasn't. “Jihoon, I—“ Jihoon shakes his head, “I know.” He says, “You don’t need to say it.” But Daniel wants to. He wants to tell him how much he loves him. How much he loves it when he smiles at him, whole body shaking and eyes crinkling, how important he was to Daniel.

 

“I—“

 

“ _Please.”_ Jihoon begs, shaking his head before placing his hand Daniel’s face once more, eyes boring into him. Daniel can barely see him, from his tears, he doesn’t want to know. “Please don’t go.” Daniel's body shaking from pain, already a sobbing mess, and his heart constricted by the same shackles from before.

 

Only this time, Jihoon was the one who had placed them.

 

And then he feels coldness on his lips.

 

 

 

 

 

Daniel gets startled by a tap on his back, removing his earphones as he cranes his neck to look at whoever it was, “’sup?” Sungwoon says. Daniel shrugs at him and shows him his finished papers, “Damn, you really finished that, huh?” he grins. Daniel forces a grin as well, hoping he buys it.

 

He doesn’t.

 

Sungwoon awkwardly takes a peak at his expression, scratching his cheeks. “Are you okay?” he asks. Daniel grips backpack a little too tightly, his fingers going numb. “Of course.” He answers.

 

His friends had hurriedly went to get him in the stations 2 weeks ago, hyperventilating in the corner of the station office, face red from crying, and lips bitten red from biting as the workers call in for an emergency. Flustered and not knowing what to do, they had never seen him break down like that before, cautiously asking him what happened the next morning when he woke up in the hospital, his parents talking to the doctor and his friends huddled together worriedly looking at him.

 

He told them it was a combination of everything. The stress from work, from school, and the future.

 

Telling them about Jihoon was not going to help to ease the pain anyway.

 

“I’m okay.” He reconfirms, this time tone lighter and smile more forced. Maybe if he forced himself enough, he’d believe it’s true.

 

Sungwoon worriedly looks at him before nodding, “Well,” he starts, patting him by the back yet again. “If you say so.” He smiles before he bids goodbye, telling him to meet up later this week with the gang for a night out.

 

When Jihoon had kissed him that day, he knew the second he would open his eyes, he would break down. Alone in the four corners of the subway car, he had cried and screamed for him to come back, sitting on ground, one hand pressed on the floor and another cluthing his heart, he’d opened his eyes to nothing. Like everything that had happened between them was meant to be shared for the two of them alone. Like waking up from the sweetest of dream to reality.

 

Sometimes, he’d lie awake at night hoping for Jihoon to enter his room, eyes looking at him mischievously and most times he would hear his voice. Like now for example, clear and soft and everything—

 

“I told you I’m okay, Woojin—stop babying me, Jinyoung! I’m older than you—ah, god damn—“

 

Whipping his head back and startling some of the students passing by, he looks for the source of that familiar voice and finds himself staring at pink hair and neon green hoodie. The smile Daniel had thought he’d only see in the corners of his room when he’s all alone and his thoughts his only company, the voice he’d thought he’d only hear if he closes his eyes hard enough, imagining the way it calls his name.

 

“Jihoon.” He mutters, almost inaudible. He sees him walking further and further before his mouth opens yets again, “Jihoon!” he says, only this time louder and catching attention. As Jihoon turns to looks at him, the book he was holding unconsciously slipped off of his grasp, his mouth open as he looks at those same eyes.

 

“Wait, so you confessed?” His friend mutters loudly from his side before yelping in pain as Jihoon nudges him by the rib. “I did not!” he hisses, “And shut up.” Daniel had never seen Jihoon’s face warm up with color.

 

“Uhm… Daniel?” Jihoon says, looking at his friends before looking at him.

 

“You’re…” He trails, too stunned, too tongue tied. “You’re here.”

 

Jihoon scrunches his face in confusion, “I’m—huh?” he stops before he feels something wet on on his hand, looking at the liquid before touching his face. “I’m—why am I—“

 

“Ah, crap.” Someone says from besides Jihoon, “I told you not to fucking go to school yet!” He curses as he ruffles his hair up, “Auntie’s gonna kill me! Are you hurt anywhere?” Jihoon shakes his head, his tears not stopping and his attention still on Daniel’s.

 

Daniel realizes it first.

 

Realizes the awkward glance and the scratching of his temple.

 

“Do you remember anything?” he asks, hands shaking and heart thumping.

 

Jihoon bites his lips, ignoring his friends as they yell at him from the side.

 

“Remember what?”

 

 

_Fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so that's the end of the story lol I hope this didn't bore you too much!!! This was suppose to just be a drabble but then i got inspirations from friends and now we're here!!!! (●´ω｀●)
> 
> Sorry for the vague plotline and the confusing overall story but i hope you enjoyed this as much as me!!!! ≧◡≦
> 
> if you have any questions, feel free to: [cc](https://curiouscat.me/eotteokeos) or [twt](http://twitter.com/eotteokeos) me (▰˘◡˘▰)


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